disclaimer, of sorts

I feel a little silly sometimes, still writing this blog for the lenovo summer games site when I am, in actuality, not at the summer games. I'm torn. I don't mean for this blog to sound like a pity party at all - i hope it doesn't. On the other hand... If I'm to write about the journey, then this is part of it, too. Not the fun part, and probably not the part that people really want to read about, but still, it's the journey. The aftermath, good or bad, is still part of the experience.  In a way, it's I guess it goes back to my original reasons for writing (As it says on my profile page on the summergames.lenovo.com site):

One of the reasons I read other peoples’ blogs is to experience and understand things that I don’t see in my own life. I’m hoping that my blog will give other people a sense of what I do, and what it means to be an elite level diver training to compete on the biggest stage in the world. I’m very grateful for the chance to spend my time doing what I love, and I appreciate the chance to share my experiences with others.

That hasn't really changed.  So I write on...

Team Sendoff

A lot can happen in a few weeks.

I moved from Texas to California, landed a job, began my temporary retirement, and started work at the Stanford Alumni Association.

My Olympian friends came home from Trials, got back to work, competed at nationals, and left for the Olympics.

They were all here yesterday. All the diving team members went through a day-and-a-half of processing (that is, getting official outfitting, final medical evaluations, media meetings, China briefs, etc.) at San Jose State. Since (from what I've been told) San Jose State's only diving board is more like a chunk of wood painted green, they came yesterday morning to practice at Stanford. I walked over before work (the Alumni Association Building is visible from the 10 meter tower) to see my friends.

There I was, in business clothes. Coaches kept saying how different I looked... Kenny (the Woodlands coach) made a predictable joke about how he hardly recognized me with my clothes on. There I was, in fancy shoes, slacks, jewelry, make-up... I can probably count on my hands the number of times I wore any of those things in the last year. Now it's daily uniform.

And there they were... Nancilea and Laura and David stretching on my mat, Thomas getting spotted on my trampoline, Kelci and Christina on my dryland boards. All of them talking and laughing because they share something, or rather, they know they are about to share something - the experience. Representing the US team at the Olympic Games.

It was hard - to be honest, it was one of the hardest moments since Trials. All these people I've competed against and fought with and learned to love over the last four years... and they're still diving, getting ready for the biggest show of their lives... and me, not so much.

Last night after work I went to San Jose State and hung out with Laura and Nancilea and the other girls in their dorm. They were all exhausted from the day's work - practice, meetings, collecting stuff, shipping boxes home. There were posters and big signs on poles up all over campus - They showed athletes competing. "Amazing Awaits," they said. I passed some weight lifters walking around the compound and rode the elevator up with a baseball coach. Everyone was wearing their new gear. It was fabulous to be able to talk with my friends, and wish them luck. I hope they do really really great. I sincerely do. They are fabulous athletes, and I want them to go out there and show their best.

They left early this morning on a direct flight from SFO to Beijing. They'll be there soon, if not already. Soon they'll be checking into the athlete village. Tomorrow, the Water Cube. I still just can't get over how much can change in 3 weeks.

Pool controversy

An interesting piece of olympic news: http://blog.seattletimes.nwsource.com/olympics/2008/07/hardys_dope_test_leaves_questi.html : The US Swim team has been training at Stanford for the last few weeks since their trials in Omaha. They leave either today or tomorrow for Singapore, then go straight from there to the games. Jessica Hardy, a competitor in the 100 Breast, 50 free, and 100 freestyle relay, apparently left a few days ago after receiving news that she failed a drug test taken at Trials. Now What? Technically, the cut off date for the swim team to change its Olympic roster was Monday, so the third place finishers in Hardy's events, Tara Kirk (one of my Stanford teammates) and Lara Jackson, are out of luck. There's a petition process where the USOC can go to the IOC and ask to allow in another athlete, but they may or may not use it. Probably, the spots will be filled by other athletes who are already heading to Beijing.

Tara's been in Ireland since trials, so she didn't receive word of this little snafu until sort of late in the game. How does it feel to be on vacation, in Ireland, trying to get away from it all and trying to get over the dissappointment of missing out on something you've been eating, sleeping, and breathing for four years by one one hundredth of a second, and then suddenly to get a text, or an email, telling you that you were second, actually - that your opponant was caught cheating - and that because they didn't catch her soon enough (by a couple days - that's all.) you still don't get to go to the Olympics? I can't even imagine... At least I can say "A sport's a sport, my opponents were good, It came down to the competition, and they beat me." But what does Tara say? "My opponent was using illegal drugs, but she beat me, and now it's too late..."

But then again, what about Jessica Hardy? The rumor is that she "slightly" failed one drug test sandwiched between two others, which she passed. And that the drug that she tested positive for is a stimulant used in asthma medications. So what if it was all just an accident? What do you do when you need a medication to keep you breathing, and you take it, and because it contains the barest trace amount of a substance that some group decided was performance enhancing, you're now s.o.l. for the dream YOU've worked for for the last four years. What if you competed and earned a spot in 3 different events, been drug tested after each race, and failed the drug test on your relay berth - the event in which you placed the lowest. What runs through your head then?

But what if it wasn't all just an accident? As athletes, we basically have USADA's "banned" list retold to us on a regular basis... how could you be so dumb, to let yourself take that asthma medication, even if you don't use it much, even if it only has small amounts of the drug in it?

I guess in the end I'm just thankful. Aesthetic sports like mine sometimes get a bad rap because the outcomes are decided by judges, rather than times and heights. My sport's not perfect. Yes, there can be bias, and politics, and subjectivity... but at least I don't have to worry about chemicals, and $500 suits, and state-of-the-art shoes, and all the things outside of talent and hard work that factor into other peoples' games. I'm really thankful that I don't feel the pressure to drink a special drink, or take a special pill - legal or no, the line is a fine one - to feel like I'm at the same baseline as my competitors.

The Roller Coaster

I'm back in California, training with Rick on the off chance that my duties as alternate (a.k.a as replacement) are required. Workouts have been pretty low-key. It's a very strange feeling, after months and months of practices in which my coach and I were so intense that it was sometimes scary. Medals are made in forges, Olympic medals especially. We turned up the heat because I had a dream, and a deadline. I didn't quite meet the deadline. So what now? I'm keeping my body in shape just in case, but the dream... it's still there, but on the back burner (Please excuse the pun.)

I've decided not to compete at Summer Nationals, which are at the Rose Bowl next week. It was a tough decision - on the one hand, I could have continued the improvement I showed over the last few weeks of Trials competitions, and really been ready to step up and put on a show. On the other hand, my goal meet has already passed. For the last month, I've felt like a ball in a pinball machine, or maybe a balloon that someone's blown up and then let go without tying. No complaints - the ups and the downs and loop-de-loos are one of the things that make diving, and sports in general, great. If you care about something, it's probably going to end up taking you for a ride at some point. If you don't care, why bother? I still love diving, and workouts are actually going quite well. I just don't need a nationals right now. I'm going to step off the roller coaster for a sec.

Currently, I'm focusing more of my attention on what one friend called "The life scavenger hunt."
X Short Term Money-maker
X Career Path
X House
X Roomates
X Etc.

Now that I'm virtually finished training for the 2008 Olympics, it's time for what my parents refer to as "gainful employment." The hunt is going well so far... I pulled up the old resume, which hasn't seen the light of day since a year ago, when I first graduated and was looking for scholarships and grants, and before that not since freshman year, when I applied to work for NBC at the 2004 Olympics. It's so funny.. I've experienced so much in the last four years, but work experience? It's a short list. So now it's time to condense my last four years into bullet points. But I was an English major... this is my bag, baby!

The Replacement

It's now final: I'm an officially designated "Replacement Athlete" in women's three meter and women's three meter synchro. I was the first runner up in two events. If any of the people ahead of me get injured, sick, or decide, spur of the moment, to take August off and go on vacation to Bali, I'll still go to Beijing.
But the chances of that happening are sort of negatory, so for now I'm resigning myself to the fact that I was... as they say... so close, yet oh so far away. I'm still training, just in case, but the pool's just not the same right now.
Life has been pretty crazy since I got back from Knoxville on Monday. I jokingly told Nancilea that I needed a big white board so I could make a flow chart, or maybe a bubble brainstorm of the rest of my life, but that woudl actually probably be pretty helpful. The questions are big: Keep diving, or no? If yes, take a break or no? If no, what then? If yes, what then? Where? With who? what else?
Yes, life is crazy. The one thing I do know is that I'm moving on Saturday (quick turnarounds, all around!) and I've still got a lot of packing to do. The rest of my future can start when I'm safely back in California.

Update

I almost decided I was too turrred to write this, but important things have happened in the last 12 hours, and I wanted to make sure to update so my several (give or take) faithful readers know what's going on.

Unfortunately, it looks like my journey to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing is over. While the selectors haven't officially chosen the rest of the team yet, it's fairly safe to assume, based on how we all scored today, that Nancilea will be going to the Olympics for individual three meter and the team of Kelci Bryant and Ariel Rittenhouse will be going for synchro. I'm guessing I'll be in the running for the alternate spot in individual three meter, and I'm sure that we'll be named alternates (if they name alternates) for the synchro spot, but that seems to be about the closest I'll get.

I competed my final two individual and synchronized lists today. I'm proud of myself. I dove well. Just not quite well enough. Individually, I won list three and was 5th in list four. My score in the third list - 348.95 - was the second highest score I've ever had. I came back in the evening for synchro and also dove awesome. Nancilea and I were really in sync, and we scored higher on our first list today than we ever have before.

It just wasn't enough.

I've got a lot of emotions going right now.
Sadness - This dream that I've been training for and visualizing and really believing in so much during the past year is probably not going to happen this time around. I'm not going to get to pit my best against the world's best. I'm not going to have the honor of representing the United States at the Olympic games. These realizations hurt.
Happiness - it took a lot to come back from a two month break and be here, now, diving (almost) the best I've ever dove. I dove really well today. I carried myself well. I enjoyed competing.
Pride - Personally, I've grown a ton as a person in the last few weeks - even more in the last few months. It's been a roller coaster, one that has made me a stronger, tougher person. Frustration - It's hard not to imagine what could have been. If I'd had two more months of training instead of two months of sitting out with a bad back, where would I be right now? If I'd been doing my dives a week earlier, even, and had a week more confidence and a week more repititions under my belt (suit?) then this might all have ended up differently.
And in the end, I can't forget thankful - I'm thankful for my coach and my teammates. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to compete today.

I feel like the carpet's been pulled out from under me just a little bit. Where do I go from here? What now? I think those are questions best answered tomorrow.

Yesterday and Tomorrow

Yesterday felt like the longest day of my life. I think I spent more time in a suit than in clothes! I warmed up in the morning, then competed two lists of individual three meter in the afternoon, then competed two lists of synchronized three meter in the evening. The whole process will be repeated tomorrow, for a total of four competed lists of dives in each event. At the end of everything, a team of judges/selectors will look at our scores from this camp, as well as various other things including (but not necessarily limited to) our placement in Indianapolis, performances from other past meets, and the difficulty and consistency of our dives.

Overall, I'm not unhappy with how I dove yesterday. It was head and shoulders above my performance in Indy. I missed a couple dives, but I also dove aggressively, and with a love and appreciation for competing that I haven't felt since before I hurt myself in February.

In synchro, we weren't bad. I went long (overrotated) on my back two-and-one-half's in both lists, which I'm sort of mad about, but I worked on them a lot in practice today and I'm sure I'm ready to hit them tomorrow. The rest of my dives were great, Nancilea dove well, and we synchronized well together. We were second to the team of Kelci Bryant and Ariel Rittenhouse in both lists, so we'll have to come back strong tomorrow, but we're not out of it yet.

As for individual three meter, I scored 329.3 in list one and 326.4 in list two, and if you add up the points, I'm in third place overall behind Nancilea and Christina Loukas. Christina has already made the team based on her winning Olympic Trials in Indianapolis, so the only person ahead of me in the race for the one remaining spot is my synchronized diving partner.

In the end, for me, tomorrow will be about reaching my own personal goals. I have no idea how much my poor performance at trials will factor into the selectors' decision, or how well Nancilea, or anyone else I'm competing with, will dive tomorrow. There are a lot of things that are, at this point, completely out of my control that will factor into the decision of whether I make the Olympic team or not. My goal is to focus on the things that are in my control:

I'm going to live in the moment, one dive at a time. I'm going to focus on a few simple cues on each dive (relax your arms on the take-off of your front three-and-a-half, see your spots on back two-and-a-half, twist early on full out, etc.) without moving to the past (I went a little long on this reverse two-and-a-half on Thursday, so I have to make sure not to do it again!) or the future (what if I mess up? I can't mess this up or else I won't make the team!). When I'm standing on the stairs getting ready to climb up onto the platform, the past and the future are just unnecessary distractions. I'm going to enjoy myself. I can't do that by worrying about what the people in the stands are thinking, or worrying about what could go wrong. I can by realizing that I have trained hard the last few months, and I have all the tools I need to succeed.

I've got one more shot at this Olympic team, and it's tomorrow. All I can do is my best. My best may or may not be enough, but either way, I need to finish the day knowing that I've competed with all the heart and soul I have. If I know I've given everything, regardless of the outcome, I can walk away proudly.

Wish me luck!

also, if you want to watch the events live, go to www.divemeets.com and click on the live video button. I compete Individual three meter at 2:00 and Synchronized three meter at 7:00, eastern.

Ain't she pretty

Here's the diving well I gushed about in my last entry. (See what I mean about the squares?)

For the sake of balance, here's the other end of the pool.

This is (L-R) Michelle, Kaylea, Nancilea, and I hanging out on the cat walk. After the stairs reach the 10 meter platform, you can climb up a few more flights and really be up at the top.

The cat walk gives photographers a chance to take all kinds of cool pictures. Apparently I need either a sweeter camera or a bit more skill. THe sweeter camera should be coming soon - Lenovo is providing me with a flip cam to help documend my life for this blog! - it just didn't arrive in time to keep Justin Wilcock from photographing as a giant yellow ball of light.

Some more views from the top.

It's pretty high up! Just to give you some perspective, the platform you see sticking out is the ten meter platform.

Wow. I've really got to learn how to post pictures better on this thing. Everything's all over the place! Sorry if the captions are making you crazy...